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without a warning
03:38
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I sometimes feel like the days are bleeding into one another
Like when I try to breathe all I really inhale is smoke and it's disappearing into someone else's mouth
When I walk the beach at night and see the ocean it's like I'm looking upon an old friend for the first time
There's a sense of knowing, and a sense of unknowing
A sense of being surrounded and being alone both at the same time
Not unlike the feeling I get when you leave me, or when I see you again
Because you alone can destroy me just fine
If there's a world where I should be with you, this is not the one
If there's a time where you and I would work, this is not the one
It isn't worth knowing life without the feeling you give me when you want to
There are only three people I truly trust in this world, and two of them are you
I used to think that being with you was all I'd ever want, all I ever wanted, and there was no way this could happen
But now I find myself wondering why I get up every day, and why you're still there beside me
I can still hear the ringing in my ears
Your face is burned into the back of my eyelids
Even if I wanted to forget you
I couldn't
I used to think that I could read your mind, that I could see you for who you really are and you could see me
But now I know I was losing my mind, and that I still am
And there's nothing you or I could do, can do, to change that
Or anything else that happened
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I wish I could draw or paint
I wish there was a way for me to express what I'm trying to say
So indescribable that my words stifle to find their own meaning and attempt to fit into these molds
Like square pegs
The way I see your face contort
Misshapen by misunderstanding
Inexplicable and undeniable
I'm not like you
I thought I was but I've realised slowly a creeping suspicion of you and I making me doubt my preconceptions
When I sit and look out over the ocean I don't see the waves crashing I don't see the deep blue fear anymore
What I see is a warm home, a safe home
Like I've never had, like I've never seen before
I want you to remember that everyone has scars
Some you can see and some you can't
I have both, we have both
We can't let that stop us, we won't let that stop us
I'm not perfect, none of us are
We all have scars
If I have to spend one more day questioning, wondering what I'm doing here and what the plan is
I think I'll go crazier than the voices in my head tell me I am
If there was any sense to be made from those vague ramblings and questions of whether or not someone like you exists then I'd like to know
Because it's not like my life means less without you
It's more like my life means nothing without you
And I'm more worried about whether I'll ever find you than whether I'll wake up tomorrow
I think it's all a lie
Anything I find myself writing late at night should be both immature and badly thought out
It's as if something deliberately forged my own thought process in order to parody my inability to form coherent thought and sentences
I thought you'd be able to understand that, but evidently, not
It's clear to me that my attraction to you is stronger than I once thought
My ability to rule you from my mind and my ability to forget you are gone
Evidently, gone
It's through this however that I'm able to understand something much more important about myself, and indeed about you:
I'm not like you
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