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1. |
introduction
01:45
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quietly we stand, watching, waiting, for something
(a ghost or a plan, wherever, if anywhere)
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2. |
your face
04:02
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how many people can we remember
how many faces can i register in my retina before i forget one
828 days ago i met someone
saw someone
saw her
her face is in my head every second of ever day
every night before i go to sleep
every morning when my eyes first taste the light
she is there
not one word has been spoken between us
but i will never forget her face
her lips, her eyes
i wonder if she remembers mine
between now and then i have met 1473 people
each of their faces i remember but not as well as i remember hers
each of their faces i instantly scan against hers in my mind in case she has changed even slightly but it's never her
people's faces blur like droplets as i pass
looking but not seeing the images
i wonder how many people she has met
i wonder if she still has room for my face
or if she ever did
or if she ever did
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3. |
without a warning
03:51
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i sometimes feel like the days are bleeding into one another
like when i try to breathe all i really inhale is smoke and it's disappearing into someone else's mouth
when i walk the beach at night and see the ocean it's like i'm looking upon an old friend for the first time
there's a sense of knowing, and a sense of unknowing
a sense of being surrounded and being alone, both at the same time
not unlike the feeling i get when you leave me, or when i see your face again
because you alone, can destroy me just fine
if there's a world
where i should be with you
this is not the one
if there's a time
where you and i would work
this is not the one
it isn't worth knowing life without the feeling you give me, when you want to
there are only three people i truly trust in this world, and two of them are you
i used to think being with you was all i'd ever want, all i ever wanted
and that there was no way this could happen
but i find myself wondering why i get up everyday
and why you're still there beside me
i can still hear the ringing in my ears
your face is burned in to the back of my eyelids
even if i wanted to forget you
i couldn't
i use to think i could read your mind
that i could see you for who you really are, and you could see me
but now i know that i was losing my mind, and that i still am
and there's nothing you or i could do, can do, to change that
or anything else that happened
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4. |
smoke
01:51
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her breath flickers in the wind
an icy chill frosting the corners of her eyes
unsettled and alone
awaiting the touch that will never come
asking herself with a passion he could never match
even if he wanted to
the only thing he seems to dedicate himself to these days is the suppression of feelings that might open him up
to her this makes no sense
her heart spends more time on her sleeve than it does in her chest
his on the other hand hasn't seen the light of day in years
he approaches
his shoes are worn through
the soles have holes he'll never fix
she asks him why one day
he considers his response darkly
biting chipped nails and nursing a cigarette
they ponder for a moment, lost in the image of the dancing smoke
flittering through the wind as he maneuvers a cigarette
he was never good at answering hard questions
"i never really thought about it" he responds,
"why, does it bother you?"
she considers for a moment, wondering if now is a good time
"yes, a lot about you does."
he glances quickly downwards, avoiding her gaze
praying the following conversation will evaporate like the smoke seeping into the air
"do you love me?" she asks
he pauses
"i think we both know the answer"
his words are lost in the chasm of his throat
his eyes giving way to the flood of emotion he's been running from for years
"you've wasted my life, why didn't you tell me?"
her voice breaks
it's over
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5. |
dopamine
04:13
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there's a difference between following your dreams and chasing them
i've spent countless night sitting alone staring at fleeting fractures spiraling hopelessly downwards
dripping through pores in the walls
seeping into our subconscious
i hear knocking and scratching
your spotless mind won't rest
focus is impossible
if words could blur mine would be straight lines. running concurrently around your arms, pressing and binding
her name lingers like smoke on the tip of my tongue
my lips are turning black from the addiction
trying desperately to escape
i've covered up the scars she gave me
we get high to chase our dreams
send me back to sleep
give me rest
i need release
don't let me wake
my teeth won't fall out by themselves
i spend my days fluctuating between a restless indifference and a burning distraction
eating at the perfection of the image i have of you in my mind
what if we cant stop
days turn to nights, weeks turn to months
i lasted 24 days last time, 4 more than your best
i'm sorry i didn't understand, how could i
i'm looking for answers in your broken promises
with each attempt to pick up the pieces leads to another cut finger
and another disappointed excuse
i guess time's a language i never learned to speak
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6. |
bear chest
02:59
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(you're begging for meaning where answers will never satisfy your curiosity
but if you're desperate, i'll tell you)
her tattoos tell stories i couldn't imagine
she's grown to crave that reaction
each line of ink a scar of memories she won't forget
every name inked in her skin holds another regret
a lifetime isn't long enough to black out her past
and i thought she'd found peace at last
but i'm not a puzzle she could solve
as the pieces on her arms evolve i see lost words and locked up stories
does she regret those words on her knuckles
did they hurt?
they all fucking hurt
the clock on her back is for her dad
the day she found out i was the first person she told
she cried in my arms for hours, her tears staining my skin with the memory just the same as hers
she doesn't need it to remember him, she always will
she has it to make sure others know the man he was
i've covered up the scars she gave me
but they'll be on my skin for life
they'll never truly leave me
you're begging for meaning where answers will never satisfy your curiosity
but if you're desperate, i'll tell you
a bear on the chest is a symbol of lost love
regret and freedom, breaking from tradition
bare chested we consider a crown, on the ribs
more pain than it's worth
it reminds me not to get attached to anyone
not to people at least
her scars will never leave me
her tears will be on my skin for life
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7. |
a short story
05:40
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i’d made plans to head out of town.
sometimes i would give myself a reason to drive up north, claiming my old friends wanted to catch up or had something for me to collect. i think everyone knew i just wanted time to myself, to get away from the every day. and so i would be up and gone in the early morning, sun brushing over the hills as Kristian Matsson hummed through the speakers of my Ford. it was a drive that could take almost all day if i wanted it to, and i made sure of it. it was time for me to think, and process everything that i couldn’t while tuning out the constant buzz of inner city life, nine to five, never enough sleep or never enough of anything.
seven months earlier, my youngest brother had gotten sick. it wasn’t so bad, he was doing okay, we all said. perhaps I knew exactly what his future held, and I had made my decision of where to place myself in that future.
it was exhausting. i was exhausted.
mid-way through the afternoon, i stopped halfway down a side-road leading to a hill lookout. i parked, and sat on a wooden log to read, losing track of time as i gave myself in to imagination, and a world that wasn’t mine to fix. only when a drop of water fell directly onto the page before my eyes did i realise it was raining. distant rumbling and a glance to the west told me that, as it so often was, a storm was on the way. i packed my things, climbed into the car, and drove.
there is something terribly comforting about driving in steady rain. the windscreen wipers beat in time to a slower song, and the fuzziness of passing car headlights is soft and reassuring. i am isolated, by the waning light and the rain outside. i am safely in my car, driving carefully but consistently.
the rain beats harder and i put on a faster song, flicking the wiper speed up. i glance to my phone, placed on the passenger seat beside me. i’d made plans to head of town.
torrential rain transitions into hail, as i drive through the dark. the road is barely visible before me, as my phone begins to ring. it is my mother. i am not surprised by the call. perhaps I was expecting it. but the response is still profound; crushing and suffocating. i answer on the final ring. my brother died half an hour ago, in St John of God Hospital, Subiaco. he was sixteen.
i think it must have been the absence of wind that woke me. as if it had stopped with a shudder, shaking the car one last time, to leave a vacuum in its place, completely lacking of sound. with my breath smoking before me, i pushed the car door open, boots crunching the frosted ground, like teeth into a frozen icy-pole. i've always hated that feeling, but on that day i heard it, i felt it beneath my feet, and it was nothing to me. i wanted to speak aloud for the first time since i left home yesterday morning, to provide some profound comment on the trivial things that bother us. my mouth opened, a rush of cold air filling my lungs. i shook my head, and walked.
lost in my thoughts, i jolted to realise i had walked quite some distance, and turned to see the familiar outline of my car behind me. i'd been walking uphill, but assumed that something else was accounting for the heaviness of my legs, and the extra effort each step took. i straightened, and looked up, as if to face the open scene before me, to finally confront every thought I had been denying time. the skies had cleared to a pale blue reminder of the storm. i was warm enough under my thick coat and blanket, but I felt the cold of that consistent, heavy sky. perhaps it was just the stark contrast against the white hail stones, relentless in consuming everything in sight. but the scene struck me, and chilled me down to my bones. my eyes closed, and i fell to my knees.
“it’s the thought of you, not knowing where you are now, that troubles me. i know that i will miss you, eventually, but right now… i am only afraid.”
i had found my voice again, teeth chattering as I spoke to no one. i sighed deeply, and rose, walking languidly down to the car. i settled in, Revelation Blues playing through the stereo as i took off. i circled around, and drove south.
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8. |
bunbury, 03/09/2014
02:50
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teary eyes stare blankly
searching for lost memories, a past forgotten and neglected
the achievements of old pale into insignificance
maybe he'll get better
tearful goodbyes become routine, standardizing a lift of facts to remember
1. my name is Thomas
2. i have two daughters
3. one of them is married
4. my doctors name is Alfred, he is nice
the list begins to grow, bordering on inefficiency as it does
why do we fight so hard to maintain a life that is no longer about living, but instead simply about staying alive, almost for the sake of it
my mind aches with contemplation
on top of the struggling memories blurring a past i wish i could remember
but only so i could once again choose to forget it
i get flashes
feelings more than memories
a smell, a touch
my wife?
was she?
she is dead
the more i fight the pain the more it hurts
any motivation to remember left the day i forgot what i was living for
surely i had a plan
it all must have been leading to something
these days i see nothing but young faces full of a naive hope
aspiration i crave and could never imagine
they're looking at life from the other side
yet to be torn limb from limb by endless challenges and lost causes
glassy eyes watch the forgotten for another day
i don't remember
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9. |
introspection
03:52
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these stories leave me numb
but if you are the one
at least i'll leave you
after all you've put me through
without an ounce of regret
i urge you to forget
a sensation of dull heat
the countless scars on my feet
misfortune ruptures my intention
undermining my internal reflection
unclear if my perceived truth is real
or an unsubstantiated feeling
belief won't change my judgement
resigning myself to fate
compelled only to wait
the weight of contemplating my actions
reciting to myself a list of rights and wrongs
black and white against a moral scorecard
who has wronged me and who has been wronged
where will i fall when the all knowing judgement rains down
among the good and the strong?
or the evil and the wrong?
i fear the latter
i need this
count with me
we'll find where i fall
i'd rather forget
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10. |
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i wish i could draw or paint
i wish i could express what i'm trying to say
so indescribable my words stifle to find their own meaning
and attempt to fit into these molds
like square pegs the way i see your face contort
misshapen by misunderstanding
inexplicable and undeniable
i'm not like you
i thought i was but i've realised slowly a creeping suspicion of you and i making me doubt my preconceptions
when i sit and look out over the ocean i don't see the waves crashing
i don't see the deep blue fear any more
what i see is a warm home
a safe home
like i never had
like i've never seen before
i hope you remember that everyone has scars
some in our heads
and some on our arms
i have both
we have both
we can't let that stop us, we won't
i'm not perfect, none of us are
we all have scars
if i have to spend one more day questioning
wondering what the plan is and what i'm doing here
then i think i'll go crazier than the voices in my head tell me i am
if there was any sense to be made from those vague ramblings and questions of whether or not someone like you exists then i'd like to know
because it's not like my life means less without you it's more like my life means nothing without you
and i'm more worried about whether i'll find you than whether i'll wake up tomorrow
and i think it's all a lie
anything i find myself writing late at night should be both immature and badly thought out
it's as if someone deliberately forged my own thought process
parodying my inability to form coherent thought and sentences
i thought you'd be able to see through it
but evidently not
it's clear to me that my attraction to you is stronger than i once thought
my ability to rule you from my mind and my ability to forget you are gone
evidently gone
it's through this however that i am able to understand something much more important about myself and indeed about you
i'm not like you
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